I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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