see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
