I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
