I want to stick my p in your. b.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
