you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
