Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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