Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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