im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Randomize
