im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
