so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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