when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
