he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
