I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
