it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
