remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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