No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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