yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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