Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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