I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
