I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
