The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
