you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
