He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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