If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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