Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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