Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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