Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
