haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
