Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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