there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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