fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
