Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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