lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
