My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
