i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
