Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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