as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
