Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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