Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
