i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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