we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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