I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
