would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Randomize
