But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
