I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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