I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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