Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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