got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
