i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Randomize
