wat bout pragnant strippers??
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
