I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
