I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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