sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
